Multiple Funerals

From time to time more than one funeral may be held or there may be hostility among the surviors about the disposition of a body or the services to be held.

• Multiple funeral or memorial services may be held. Often this because one service occurs near place of death while another is held near place of burial. For example, when the deceased lived with or near a child, but wanted to be buried or memorialized in the area of previous long-time residence
• Sometimes multple services are needed because of conflict among the survivors, who cannot agree on the content and arrangements for honoring the deceseased.
• Secondary or supplemental services may be sometimes be appropriate at place of work or civic involvment, as well as the primary one(s) for family and close friends.
• Sometimes a family wants a small, private ceremony as well as a public one.
• When one or more family members cannot agree with the majority plan, these persons may organize an individual or small ceremony of their own in order to bring closure in the manner they choose.

"Hostile" Funerals

• Funerals are generally events of grieving and remembrance (sometimes termed 'celebration'). Usually they are amicable; but not always. Some are times of hostility. Here is an example and some thoughts about dealing with such occurrences.

From a post to the discussion list operated by FCA:

[Text abridged and edited, thus not a quotation; Used without permission and therefore without attribution, but with thanks to those who made the posts.]

I have ... wondered if anyone has been to what I call a "hostile funeral"? I had the unfortunate experience of attending one at the funeral of a co-worker's mother...the co-worker and her brothers and sisters were estranged... her sister was running the whole show, [in a bossy manner] ....Having come with a group I had no option of leaving!

[Later] ...I had a chance to talk with my co-worker...[and] told her it was obvious to me there were some family conflicts...of course the sister putting on the show was the one that had not been there for her mother day in and day out as my co-worker had. She went to her mother's funeral but not want to go!

...[On another occasion]...I did a service for family and friends at my deceased's favorite restaurant. There weren't enough seats for all of her co-workers to attend because it was a small restaurant. A few days later, the family organized a luncheon at the work site so all of her co-workers could participate. Her co-workers shared hilarious stories. Two completely different events - both with warm results.

The situations

• Divorce:
• two surviving spouses
• possibly more than one set of children
• Estrangements and fractures:
• Siblings of the deceased
• Parents and children
• Children with their own siblings

Causes:

As many as you can think of.

Resolutions:

• More than one funeral or memorial service (family only, co-workers, friends and professional/public colleagues ­ depending on the deceased's place in the community).
  Services at location of retirement and at location of primary lifetime residence (if these are distant from one another).
  Non-attendance at a service or holding a separate or personal event of remembrance on one's own terms (where that appears to be the least painful option; light a candle, say a prayer, read a poem, just a simple thing with or without a personal friend or two present).
  Reconciliation because the death causes the parties to reassess their grievances and agree to end hostilities.